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Friday, 27 November 2015

"I'll thcream and thcream 'till I'm thick."

Puritanism and then Liberalism were two great progressive forces with two inherent weaknesses. They presupposed God, and then the equally intangible ‘Right’ were on their side. They were useful ‘weaknesses’ to have. It’s hard to argue against God or Right. They are also inherently totalitarian in a bossy, self-righteous kind of way.

The simple 'Do to others as you would have them do to you,' has been codified into abstruse lists that would make a medieval churchman proud. Some of these new, specific strictures puts the whole business on a par with Leviticus and Deuteronomy. Thus you can no longer wear any costume you like to celebrate Halloween. To suggest that you might is a sacking offence.  You shouldn’t wear Mexican Sombreros. No one in their right mind would dress up as Hitler or a Waffen SS Guard, though the great scholars have yet to pronounce on the merits of dressing up as Stalin or Mao or a zealous Red Guard.

The whole business of ‘cultural appropriation’ is riven with inconsistency. You can be criticised for dressing up as a Geisha for a promo or party, an Indian chieftain or squaw. As far as I know Vicars and Tarts remain on the menu, along with Nun stripograms, though Yoga has been considered a form cultural appropriation.

 Then there is the question of what to do about the All Blacks, the current Rugby world champions. Will there come a time when their on-field chant, the Haka, taken from the indigenous peoples their ancestors replaced be seen as ‘cultural appropriation? Presumably it should. It fits the criteria, along with shamrock, berets and kilts. 

Sometimes the new puritanism is querulous in the manner of Violet Elizabeth Bott. "I'll thcream and thcream 'till I'm thick." And if nothing else, just watch this clip of the glorious Violet Elizabeth Bott.

Sometimes the bullying is arrogant and harsh. The most outrageous example of this comes from this radio clip, which after two minutes tarnishes the tolerance it’s meant to defend.

And sometimes the bullying is both sinister and daft. Pupils at Colston Girls School in Bristol have been told not to leave the school in their uniform because they are being accosted by protesters – not against anything these twelve year old girls have actually done, but because their school is named after a dead man who derived his wealth from the slave trade. On that basis you may as well call in ISIS and have them smash half the great buildings across the western world, the various foundations and grants. It seems to me that a Statute of Limitations should be drawn on ‘Victim-hood’ and more attention focused on living victims today. But redressing the past by token gestures is by far the easiest option.

Friday, 20 November 2015

On Finding Sleep

                                           Just looking at those nails gives me nightmares too.
Do you find sleep, or does sleep find you? It’s a bit like Hide and Seek when one of the players refuses to hide, or else hides so well he or she is not found. Going to sleep is one of the great pleasures of life, the ultimate escape, and with the radio on murmuring the News, I’m usually off within ten minutes.
It’s that waking up in the small hours, that’s where the problem lies. Twice a week I’m up at 5.15 for the early morning swim, otherwise it’s a six thirty call. So what happens when you wake for no reason at say 3 a.m – or worst of tortures 4.15 and you think to yourself: can I find sleep again before I’m up in an hour’s time?
Can I find sleep?
Like hell I can.
It’s there somewhere—in the shadows—the ensuite—under the duvet, malicious and all-powerful.
Sometimes I think of the novel I’m working on. What’s going to happen next? I have no idea – the sheer unfathomable mystery invariably sends me to sleep; but now my mind wants to engage, it’s taking me seriously, and it’s the devil’s own job to shut it down again.
 Sometimes I deconstruct my body, imagine its atoms whirling in beautiful patterns, the vast spaces separating every nuclei and proton, the fact l’m more air than flesh, resting on air, sinking into strange, warm mattress-y patterns.
But then I get an itch on the edge of my non-New Age nose and it’s back to the flesh, scratching the damn thing. Minutes tick, an owl hoots, occasionally a cat or a fox yowling not hooting. Dogs are remarkably quiet at night, presumably masters of Zen. They know how to sleep.
I look at the time. Ten minutes. It seems like an hour. I think of shopping lists, lists of all kinds. Lists I never imagined making, and then my mind quietens. . .
This time it’s an ear.
Sometimes I lie on my side and stick my right arm up into the air like a deranged Yogi or anchorite. It’s always the right arm, never the left, and that gets my mind going as to why that is, and so the minutes tick by. I have no idea why I stick my arm up. I just find it strangely relaxing, the acceptable face of Yoga for those who can’t sleep.
Thirty minutes before the alarm I’m just nodding off to sleep, nose and ears for the moment quiescent; and then the bladder coughs politely: ‘I think you’ve forgotten about me.’
Ignore it.
It persists, a low, whiny nag: ‘I’m not going away, you know.’
I succumb to the inevitable but little comes out. It was just playing games, wonders why I can’t take a joke.

Sleep wonders that too, as it covers me in darkness minutes before the alarm.

Friday, 13 November 2015

The Magnificent Smollett

In this age of fear of giving offence Tobias Smollett should be compulsory reading, in particular his letters making up ‘Travels through France and Italy’. This man was a curmudgeon with a capital C, a man who makes Basil Fawlty a model of reason and sanity in comparison, a man who in 1763 embarked on a tour of France and Italy with his wife and manservant. The journey gets of to a bad start even before he leaves England:
‘I need not tell you this is the worst road in England…The chambers are in general cold and comfortless, the beds paltry, the cooking execrable, the wine poison…the publicans insolent and bills extortion…Dover is a den of thieves.’

He’s in for a treat in France.

But first he has to get there, and he’s not very impressed by the boat:
'The cabin was so small that a dog could hardly turn in it, and the beds put me in mind of the holes described in some catacombs.'

 French inns are worse, and Smollett doesn’t mince his words: (here) 'one finds nothing but dirt and imposition.' One of his hosts is ‘a true Frenchman in vanity, which is undoubtedly the ruling passion of this people.' He extolls the virtues of French food, with the exception of fish because by the time it has been transported inland is in ‘such mortified condition, that no other people except the Negroes on the coast of Guinea would feed upon it.’ At first I assumed this was an example of ignorant and misplaced certainty. And I was wrong. Smollett was a well-travelled man and there are some wonderful tidbits on the eating habits of various peoples throughout the book.

His bad tempered analysis of France is laughably unpleasant. It’s also sharp and makes clear why, twenty or so years later,there was a French revolution.
If French peasants are filthy and villainous. The French nobility fare no better:
 ‘I know not more insignificant set of mortals than the noblesse of Boulogne; helpless in themselves and useless to the community.’
This is the wonderful thing about Smollet, his scattergun offence approach. Every race and culture gets it in the neck—even as an aside:
'If there is no cleanliness among these people, much less shall we find delicacy…Indeed they are utter strangers to what we call common decency; and I could give you some high-flavoured instances, at which even a native of Edinburgh would stop his nose.' I’m guessing he’s talking about toilet habits here—and my apologies to Edinburgh.

Smollett’s indignation knows no bounds when he describes a fine lady escorted to  the ‘house of office’ by her admirer, who stands outside the door uttering pleasantries to her while she conducts her business.

As Christopher Hibbert observed: ‘Always prepared for the worst, Smollett generally succeeded in finding it.’ Perhaps that accounts for his habit of demanding the bill with his sword in one hand and his cane in another. He hates innkeepers French ones especially. Their food was ‘obnoxious’ and landlords are variously described as assassins, waiters as ‘stark staring mad.’

This is a wonderfully intemperate book and I’m still only halfway through France. Italy, in Smollett’s view is even worse. I can’t wait. I hope I’ve whetted your appetite. You enter a very special mind when you read Travels through France and Italy, and glimpse xenophobia in full and glorious flood. Smollett is in turn observant, wilful, insensitive and opinionative; above all, robust.  A Briton voicing his thoughts without looking over his shoulder. Even so, one wonders throughout what his wife thought.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Why did they burn his damn letters?

The Murenger remains my favourite pub in Newport. It is quiet, idiosyncratic (in a city that turns idiosyncracy into something worth bottling) and is a refuge for writers, or those who value a silent drink. The two, it must be said, do not go hand in hand, at least on a Thursday afternoon. There two people hold sway, William Cross and Monty Dart; two literary truffle-hounds who’ve been invaluable in the background to my forthcoming trilogy, The Gift, Bloodline, and Bloodfall.

They have turned Evan Morgan, the last Lord Tredegar, into a cottage industry and it’s impossible to avoid their enthusiasm. They scour the arcane: Kew, the Vatican Library, and the private records of the Great Houses in their quest for forgotten letters that reveal more of their quarry.

William Cross’s latest book Evan, Lord Tredegar, selected Letters, Prose, and Quotations, the Mystic Muse of Evan Frederick Morgan is a little longer than its title but packed with insight into the earthy and otherworldly lord. The full story will never be told because his most private letters and other material were hurriedly burnt on his death. Knowing what we do of Evan Morgan it’s easy to understand why.

So what do we have here?

The first part of the book treads familiar territory to those who’ve read the author’s previous books on Evan Morgan. It is in a sense an extended introduction for those new to the man. Having said that there are some new, evocative snippets, such as for example Paris just before and after the First World War.  

The real joy of the book is to be found in the letters and articles from Evan himself. I wish there were more. There are poems too. Morgan fancied himself as the reincarnation of Percy Bysshe Shelley. The poems though fail to support the theory.

So what for me were the highlights?

I’d have to include Morgan’s letter to the Western Mail during the carnage of the First World War: ‘War thoughts from Algiers’. It is too long to quote in it’s entirety but to cut any part of it would dilute its purple absurdity, its na├»ve sycophancy when he praises Lloyd George, and his ‘Geddin down wid de people’ as his article reaches its climax. Perhaps a short quote then: ‘…Do we all fully appreciate him, we of the old country of the mountains? He is one of us…. We are his countrymen, have seen him, have watched him make the name of Wales ring throughout the world. What reward, what show of gratitude can we give back in exchange, we Welshmen…’
We Welshmen—this man who avoided Wales whenever possible in search of sun and young boys.

There are newspaper articles and accounts of his attempt to win a seat for the Tories in Limehouse, with another wonderful ‘Geddin down wid de people’ moment in his lyrical description of the ‘neat’ and ‘smart’ ‘inhabitants’ of Limehouse. He even boasts about dancing with them. As for his purple prosed rhapsody on the eternal glories of Catholicism… Well, the church is a vessel for sinners and navigated by them, too. So no doubt there exists a lifeboat somewhere for the generous, bitchy, idealistic, pompous sexual predator and Satanist: Evan Morgan.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

Mellow fruitfulness...and stuff

Autumn is nature's great clean-out, recycling gone mad, and it happens every year. As fast as I rake leaf-covered lawns, more leaves descend, and I end up with mounds of red and gold leaves. Within days they’ve turned brown, flecked in crimson and gold. A ratatouille of decay. A week or two later they’ll resemble giant horse droppings.

Still, very satisfying as you look out the window. Beneath those dormant piles are oceans of sludge teeming with microbes and bugs, worms and beetles, the occasional hedgehog, a smorgasbord for birds.

I wish my recycling were as efficient. My downfall is what comes through the letterbox: those things you look at and think—‘Ummm, could be useful one day.’  They go behind the fruit bowl in the kitchen and by the end of the year they’re pushing bowl and fruit to the edge of the worktop.

We are talking about leaflets from estate agents begging you to sell your home, business cards from several banks, Cancer Research Gift Aid labels, Church newsletters, Tree Surgeons. (There are a lot of trees in Osbaston). And lets not forget Take-Away Menus ranging from the Misbah, the Raduni, and Jewel Balti to a yet to try Thai Bistro.

There are leaflets selling Clay Core storage radiators – ‘the future of heating’, numerous small gardening businesses offering moss-free lawns, taxi cards, Blenheim Palace brochures, ‘Honest quotes’ from Ash Tree Electricals, others promising to satisfy all of my TV and Audio needs. Handymen at reasonable prices, gutter clearance.

I have glossy Internet Provider brochures, Old online supermarket orders, leaflets offering ‘Drive Maintainance and Patio Power Cleaning’. Buried in the pile are old gardening catalogues old postcards thought too good to throw away so instead lost in fruitbowl limbo, old credit cards used to scrape grease from the hob, unopened Home Insurance mail promising me theirs is the cheapest and best, an expensively produced holiday booklet from Citalia, kept for six Italian recipes that looked wonderful but never tried. The only things missing are charity brochures. They would fill an entire kitchen unless binned at once.

The whole thing is horribly expensive because I have to buy tons of fruit to hold the bowl in place. Without such ballast the bowl would teeter and plunge from the worktop.

There are just two more sad confessions:
 A pepper pot that no longer works but which every so often I try to fix. That hides behind the knife block waiting for its yearly fumble

                                  A five year old tube of 1% fat when I foolishly went on a diet.

Back to the window....and staring at leaves